Just recently I have felt really discouraged in serveral of the relationships I have developed here. It was really hard to keep up with many of them during my pregnancy with Cohen (I was so tired), but that was cake compared to now when I am juggling three kids. I realize that my main ministry is to be a mom and take care of our household, but I still want to do my part of being available to others and evangelize with the gifts God has given me. After a discussion with Greg about my frustration, he encouraged me to focus on the relationships I have now. There are three main relationships that I would love to see grow into something more.
I feel like I am always tired. It is so much harder to get away from the house with a toddler still in diapers and an infant that eats every 3 hours. But I still go. I still try. I feel like I am pouring myself out, and nothing is happening. That is such a frustrating feeling. Over the last month, I have been turned down by one friend 2 different times (after she told me she would be sure to meet me), I have lost touch with a friend that hid her pregnancy from me (I still haven’t figured out the cultural implications of this and if I should take it personally), and I have been ignored by a friend that is a fellow Christian that I thought I had connected to. All of this just in simple words… stinks.
I realize that time is crucial for developing any relationship, and right now in this stage of the game, I just don’t have it. But what should I do? God can move mountains. God’s spirit lives within me. His power can do anything. That is what I am clinging to. When I was in Theatron at Harding, there was a skit performed that taught that God wants our availability. I never forgot that lesson. And honestly, it is all I can do now to feel like I am doing anything in this mission field. I am not available too often, but when I am I pray that the Spirit pushes me to act.
If you read my ramblings, please pray for these three relationships in my life, and for a new chapter of my spiritual walk that I am learning more about.